Kristi's Favorite Simpsons Episodes

In no particular order, here are my all-time favorite Simpsons episodes.

"Three Men and a Comic Book" (5/9/91)

Synopsis: Bart is desperate to find a way to get $100 for Radioactive Man #1, even if it means getting a job by helping old Mrs. Glick clean her backyard or sharing the prized possession with his best friends.

Quotes: "Me? Get a job? Were they serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but suddenly a little piece of my childhood had slipped away forever." Bart's "Wonder Years" (Great show, by the way), style narration voiced by Daniel Stern and accompanied by the first few bars of "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by the Bryds.

The heat: Officers Lou and Eddie bust Bart after he switches from selling lemonade to beer without a license. Bart discourages them from writing him a ticket by offering them one on the house.

"Ahh!" My beer! My beautiful beautiful beer!" --Homer (after discovering Bart selling his precious Duff (spilled all over the front lawn) instead of lemonade.

"I'll bet you've been waiting for pay day." --Mrs. Glick to Bart

"Oh, I sure am!" --Bart (Mrs. Glick opens her purse and pulls out the hard-earned money).

"Here you go, two quarters." --Mrs. Glick (She hands the coins to Bart).

"Two quarters?!" --Bart stunned. "Two quarters?!"

"Yep, two quarters." --Mrs. Glick

"Listen Lady...I can leave here without saying a bad word, but there's no way I'm going to say 'thank you.' --Bart

"You're welcome." --Mrs. Glick. "Spend it on penny whistles and moon pies."

(I know there's more to this scene, but the rest of the quote escapes my mind at the moment...when I get the rest of it, I'll put it in).

"Radio Bart" (1/9/92)

"Synosis: Bart gets a cool microphone for his 10th birthday from Homer. When Bart is near a radio with his microphone, he'll be able hear his voice interrupting a song or program. Bart gets into trouble when he drops his radio down a well and creates a story about the fictious 'Timmy O'Toole' who's trapped inside the well. When the town finds out that the boy is really Bart, they consider leaving him in the well.

During Bart's birthday party at Wall-E-Weasals...

Robot Weasal: "Hey there, I hear it's your birthday. How old are you?"

Bart: "Well, I'm--"

Robot Weasal: (cutting him off) "That's great! Would you like us to sing you a special song?"

Bart: "Hell, no."

Robot Weasal: "You got it! Ready, Signor Beaverotti?"

Singor Beaverotti: (Italian accent) "Ima ready. And a-one anda two..."

Robot Animals: (singing) "You're the birthday/You're the birthday/You're the birthday boy or girl..."

Lyrics to "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well"

Sting: "There's a hole in my heart/As deep as a well/For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to hell."

Sideshow Mel: "...Though we can't get him out/We'll do the next best thing..."

McBain: "...We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing...."

Choir: "And we're sending our love down the well!"

Krusty: "All the way down!"

Choir: "We're sending our love down the well!"

Krusty: "Down that well!"

Quotes: "Well I'm afraid we've got a budget problem, Mrs. Simpson. Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it at the start of the fiscal year, no problem." --Chief Wiggum to Marge

"The circumference of the well is thirty-four inches. So, unfortunately, not one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the boy." --Kent Brockman, reporting on the Timmy O'Toole story.

"I like the other boy, so sweet." --old lady in crowd after finding out Bart was in the well, even though she was referring to Timmy O'Toole as "the other boy."

"Bart the Lover" (2/13/92)

Synopsis: After getting into trouble with the use of a yo-yo and killing the class fish, Bart has detention with Mrs. Krabappel for a month. When Mrs. K leaves the room for a moment, Bart sneaks into her desk and retrieves his yo-yo and discovers something else in the drawer:

1+1=? RECENTLY DIVORCED 4TH GRADE TEACHER WISHES TO MEET MAN AGES 18-60. OBJECT: SAVE ME!

Bart becomes "Woodrow" and writes love letters to Mrs. Krabappel (who is hoping to meet the man who hates yo-yos).

Quotes: "Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, hand guns and many things made of zinc!" --Jimmy, the teenage protagonist of a 1960s film shown to Bart's class.

"Damn Flanders." --Reverend Lovejoy hanging up the phone after a talk with Ned Flanders about Todd's swearing.

"Look, Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and then, go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. So, I don't want to be hard on you, but I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys." --Ned Flanders to Homer, after hearing him curse a blue streak while trying to build Santa's Little Helper a dog house.

"Fiddle-Dee-Dee, that would require a tetnas shot!" --Homer after stepping on a rather large nail that went through his foot and really trying hard not to swear. He didn't want to put anymore money in the 'swear jar.'

Bart's First Woodrow Letter:

"Dear Edna, I've never answered a personal ad before, but I found yours irresistable. My name is Woodrow. I like holding hands, and dinner by candlelight. And, oh yes, I really hate yo-yos."

Woodrow's Farewell Letter:

"Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How will I get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow, it will whisper the name...Edna. And so, let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. --Woodrow"

"Bart of Darkness" (9/4/94)

Synosis: A heat wave strikes Springfield and the Simpsons get a pool. On the opening day of the pool, Bart falls and breaks his leg. He will not be able to swim for the whole summer. Instead, Lisa gets him a telescope and he peers into Springfield behind closed doors and sees a murder. Or is it?

Quotes: "Look, Lis! I snatched five bathing suits-all Martin's!" --Bart (Martin stands nearby with his arms folded wearing layers and layers of bathing suits).

"Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers!" --Martin (All the kids in the pool rush to Martin, grabbing his various swimming trunks. Within moments, he has none left).

"I brought this on myself." --Martin

"Dad, as you know, we've been swimming and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of--CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?" --Lisa first, then Bart and Lisa persuading Homer to get a pool.

Homer's idea: To keep cool, Homer sets up a tent in front of the open refrigerator door and rubs boxes of frozen food on his body.

"Uh, hello, uh, Mrs, uh, Bart. Is your pool ready yet?" --Jimbo Jones to Marge, as he stands with dozens of bathing suit-clad neighborhood kids at the Simpsons front door.

"Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Barty-boy." --Bart's brain

"Oh, great, I get to spend the summer with my brain." --Bart (after Milhouse signs his cast 'Milpool...' he feels left out).

"Hello and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-U-Fone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line." --the recording Bart gets when he calls the cops.

"Ahh! A human head!" --Bart after seeing Lisa open the refrigerator door at Flanders' house to find 'Human Farms Head of Lettuce'....before only seeing the words 'human head.'

"I'm a murderer...a murderer. I'm a mur-didly-urgler!" --Ned Flanders after burying the remains.

"Selma's Choice" (1/21/93)

Synopsis: Selma decides after hearing Aunt Gladys's video will that she wants to have a baby before its too late. While searching for a halfway decent man to date, Homer, Bart and Lisa want to go to Duff Gardens. Homer ends up deathly ill from eating a sandwhich that had been behind the radiator for some time. So, Selma takes Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens. At Duff Gardens, Selma rethinks her choice about having a baby.

Quotes: "That's a woman? Dear Lord!" --Reverend at the Lucky Stiff Funeral Home (They put the 'Fun' in Funerals) after being corrected during his eulogy for what he believed to be a kind man.

"I want to have a baby before it's too late. You're looking at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it." --Selma (while filming a video for the "Low Expectations Dating Service, she eats her cigarette on camera).

"A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the 'Sweat Hogs!' --Marge flipping through the "101 Frozen Pops" catalogue from the sperm bank.

Lisa: "Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?

Homer: "Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot."

"Oooh, this looks like fun...a bench! Kids, whaddya say you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie." --Selma

(Walking into Duff Gardens, Lisa and Bart see several men in beer bottle costumes).

Lisa: (gasps) "Look--the seven Duffs!"

Bart: "There's "Tipsy!" And there's "Queasy!"

Lisa: "There's "Surly" and "Remorseful!"

(Bart picks up a pair of dark glasses)

Bart: (reading the tag) "Beer Goggles--see the world through the eyes of a drunk." (Bart puts on the "Beer Goggle" and looks over a Aunt Selma, looking suddenly more attractive).

Selma: (while Bart is still looking through the glasses) "You're charming the pants off of me." (Bart takes off the glasses)

Bart: "What did you say, Aunt Selma?"

Selma: "I said "Take off those damn glasses!"

"Miscellaneous Quotes from Various Episodes"

"To alcohol--the cause of and solution to--all of lifes problems." --Homer at the end of "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment" (3/16/97)

"It's been quite a week for you, Selma. First you were married and now you'll be buried." --Sideshow Bob making plans for his new bride in "Black Widower" (4/8/92).

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." --Homer in "Colonel Homer" (3/26/92).

"They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy." --Homer in "Colonel Homer" (3/26/92).

"Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You Know What" --The 1971 sex education film shown to Mrs. Krabappel's class....at the end of the film, Troy McClure reminds everyone, "Now that you know how it's done, don't do it." ("Bart's Friend Falls in Love"--6/7/92).

"Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested... Attention, Marge Simpson, we've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son." --Announcements at "Itchy & Scratchy Land." (10/2/94).

"Man, that is flagrant false advertising." --Otto, outside Stoner's Pot Palace, Springfield's upscale kitchen store. ("A Milhouse Divided"--12/1/98).

"By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations." --From the 1952 Monotone educational film, "Moon of Earth" screened in Mrs. Hoover's class. ("The Secret War on Lisa Simpson"--5/18/97).

E-mail: knphill@ilstu.edu

All episodes on this page can be found in Matt Groening's The Simpsons: A Complete Guide to Our Favorite Family (New York: Harper Collins), 1997.